But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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