I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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