are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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