like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
