why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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