like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
