You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
