When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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