Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'm just crazy horny about you
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
