I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
