Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
