This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
