I'm going to jail i love you
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
