I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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