i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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