I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
