I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
