why didn't you poke me back
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
