have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
