I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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