onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
