can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
