oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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