Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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