i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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