I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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