just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
