Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
