im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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