We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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