my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
