Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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