I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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