watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
