im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
The adults are the big ones right?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
