This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
