I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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