How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
