Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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