I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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