I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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