if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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