HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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