and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I just gargled with NyQuil
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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