seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
