I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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