From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
