i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
