i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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