So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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