there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
