today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
