what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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