I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
