You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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