So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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