I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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