the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
