my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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