apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
someone owes me an orgasm
My balls are so social today.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
