don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
